Sunday, February 18, 2018

The Alaska 360 Head Swivel Should Be an Olympic Event

How is this even a thing? That’s the question I ask myself every couple of years when I watch the Winter Olympics. 

The Summer Olympics, not so much. Swimming and running. Okay, I get that. Even parts of the Winter Olympics are familiar. Ice hockey? Sure, I've seen a few NHL fist fights on TV, with the whole jersey-over-the-head thing. Figure skating? Who could forget Tanya Harding and Blades of Glory? And Juneau is a skiers town, if not exactly a ski town.

Okay, fine. 

But curling, luge, and aerial ski jumping? How is that a thing that people get into? Like for real what is the process? 

Take aerial ski jumping. 

First, I assume you have to be wealthy, because skiing almost everywhere is expensive. Then you have to have a lot of time to practice hurtling yourself 200 feet into in the air over and over and over again. Then you also have to somehow not become paralyzed, which after basically ONE fuck up, that's exactly what you are.

By the time you get to the Olympics as an aerial ski jumper, you're almost guaranteed to win at least bronze because there are only three people left on earth who aren't broke literally or figuratively by now. 

Basically what I'm saying is that you're one of a tiny handful of people on EARTH with enough time, money, and intact vertebrae to continue doing this year after year, all for five seconds of pseudo-fame (and an adrenaline rush, I guess).

Is that actually how it goes? Probably not for everyone. Like I'm sure there's some up-by-the-bootstraps story of an unlikely Columbian aerial ski jumper who was sponsored by the Gates Foundation and won 12 gold medals and they made a Lifetime Hallmark ABC After School Special about him, but let's not kid ourselves: 

Aerial ski jumping is by and for rich ass Aryans and everyone knows it.

Here's one sport that's a bit more universal, at least if you live in Alaska, and it's sort of an all-season event. I call it the Alaska 360 Head Swivel and here's how it goes.

[Scene: Two friends in a busy coffee shop in downtown Juneau or really any other part of the state]

Friend 1: [Leans in to whisper] So did you hear about [insert name of friend/legislator/relative/divorcing couple]
Friend 2: [Eyes widen, conspiratorial whisper] NOOOOOO what happened?!
Friend 1:

Okay, sorry just checking, you know, JUNEAU.
Friend 2: Oh yeah,TOTES.

Cue the Olympic theme music, because Friend 1 has just fucking OWNED the Alaska 360 Head Swivel, which is a required element for all smack talking and tea-spilling routines in this state. If you live here long enough, it's happened to you. On an airplane, in a bar, at a coffee shop. That sinking, "Uh oh, he's right behind me, isn't he" moment.

It hasn't happened to me in a long time, and why? Because I'm the Michael Fucking Phelps of the Alaska 360 Head Swivel, that's why. 

See you in Beijing.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Vagina Wigs Are a Thing That Now Exists

And that says all you need to know about 2018. 

Vagina Wigs made their debut at New York Fashion Week courtesy of South Korean designer Kaimin. Per Post reporter Charlotte Willis a Vagina Wig is--
Also known as a merkin, as Urban Dictionary informs us. It turns out the spiked hair extensions, which look exactly like mini mohawks pointing out perfectly from the crotch, were worn by prostitutes beginning in the 1600s after shaving their pubic hair for various health and maintenance reasons.
Various. Health. And. Maintenance. Reasons. FASCINATING! I can't for the life of me imagine the true history of this trend, and I'm not really interested in researching it for fear of what it will do to the cookies on my browser and the amount of spam I receive. 

So I'm just going to make it up. 

I guess sex workers (not PROSTITUTES, Charlotte. Get with the times), must have decided that pubes were gross because . . . um . . . contagious crabs that they'd get from all their customers. But the full-on vaguely pedophiliac-creeper-esque Brazilian look was not yet on trend, nor was the "landing strip." And they didn't want to disappoint anyone, so they had to make their junk look like Pat Benatar.

I encourage you to zoom in on the picture because it's amazing. A vagina wig is basically nipple pasties, but for the vagina, and it's very hard for me to picture any situation in which I would wear a Vagina Mohawk. 

Like really, here's what would have to happen, followed by the chances of these things happening on a scale of 1-10.

1. I would have to shave my junk bald (0)
2. I would have to decide I needed a wig for my vaj (-6,000)
3. I would buy a wig for my vaj (-8,000)
4. I'd decide I needed that wig to look like a mohawk (7)

Please understand that at a certain point in my life, I pretty much gave up on hair maintenance in that "department," absent a beach-related emergency, which is rare in Alaska. As far as I'm concerned, it takes enough time and money to maintain the western-beauty standard of hair that people actually SEE--like on my head, face, and occasionally legs and armpits. 

I simply don't have the bandwidth for the rest of it. 

But if I did, I CERTAINLY wouldn't go through all the trouble to get rid of my pubes only to cover up the nice clean job I'd just done and make them look exactly the same again. 

At the risk of sounding sacrilegious, this is very similar to a custom I've never fully understood in ultra-religious Judaism, in which women shave their heads only to don a wig—called a sheitel—that looks exactly like regular hair.

That's what this is. It's a cooter sheitel. Kaimin has put the hot cooter in Haute Couture, and I am seeeeriously not here for it.

Friday, February 16, 2018

Ask a Bot: An Advice Column

Dear Bot,

I'm getting toward middle age and my career has stalled out. What can I do to reboot it and start feeling fulfilled again at work?

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Dear Bot,

Lately I've noticed that my boyfriend has been acting distant. When I try to talk to him about it, he says nothing is wrong. What shouldI do?

BOT: Hello, I am Theresa Williams After being in relationship with Anderson for years, he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to my friend and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4 pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much.

Dear Bot,

I'm a little insecure about my masculinity. I know I shouldn't be, but I can't help it. What do you suggest?

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I have a family history of breast cancer. I try to eat well and exercise, but how else might I reduce my chances of developing this disease?

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Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Dear Sarah, I Am Sorry

Dear Sarah,

I don’t know you, but I am sorry.

I’m sorry the grownups who are in charge of this country didn’t protect you today. I’m sorry your friends had to die. I’m sorry we have not done better and fixed this mess.

I’m sorry that Congress is bought and paid for by the NRA. I am sorry the adults who are supposed to protect you value the so-called “right” of firearms manufacturers to sell assault rifles to teenagers over your rights and your friends’ rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

I’m sorry that you will relive this awful day for the rest of your life, and feel the trauma and pain of it. I am sorry because I’m an adult and a mother and I have failed you. I have failed you, and we have all been failing you for too long.

But I am also hopeful.

I'm hopeful because you are strong and brave, and you are the future of America. Not Trump. Not Wayne LaPierre. 


I am hopeful because you are already using your voice to speak up and say what you know is right and true. And you are going to make this country a better place one day because of it.


An Admirer in Alaska

Realistic Valentines Cards

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

10 Landmark U.S. Supreme Court Cases Explained in Limerick

MARBURY v. MADISON 5 U.S. (1 Cranch) (1803)

It kind of all started right here
When Chief Justice John Marshall made clear
That the courts get to glean
What the law says and means
In con law this case has no peer.


“Separate but equal” is crap
Segregation just got knee-capped
It’s the law of the land
And the bigots be damned
Integration is now on the map.

MIRANDA v. ARIZONA, 384 U.S. 436 (1966)

If you find yourself locked up in cuffs
Do not let the cops call your bluff
You need not say a word
‘Til your lawyer has heard
All the evidence, charges, and stuff.

LOVING v. VIRGINIA, 388 U.S. 1 (1967)

Black and White couples can marry
To say otherwise will be contrary
To equal protection
And the State’s interjection
Will not get the court's sanctuary.

TERRY v. OHIO, 392 U.S. 1(1968)

Cops do not need your permission
If they have a well-reasoned suspicion
They can stop you and frisk you
Without any risk to
The Fourth Amendment's two key prohibitions.

ROE v. WADE, 410 U.S. 113 (1973)

A woman can have an abortion
And Texas was out of proportion
The due process clause
Does not let states make laws
That allow reproductive extortion.

LAWRENCE v. TEXAS, 539 U.S. 558 (2003)

What two adult men do in bed
Is a place that the law may not tread
Gay men have due process
Regardless of undress
And Bowers v. Hardwick is dead.

GRUTTER v. BOLLINGER, 539 U.S. 206 (2003)

Affirmative action is good
A law school did just what it should
To promote its diversity
There’s no legal adversity
Nor a threat to the White livelihood.


Corporations can spend lots of dough
To get people elected, you know
The First Amendment makes plain
He who makes the most rain
Will have Congress tied up in a bow.

OBERGEFELL v. HODGES, 576 U.S. __ (2015)

Same sex couples may walk down the aisle
Though some may consider it vile
Well that’s really too bad
For it’s now ironclad
That gay marriage is not a “lifestyle.”