I am Winter, and I did not come to play with you hos. I came to SLAY, bitch.
Oh, I know my game has been . . . well . . . let’s just say “inconsistent” over the past couple of seasons. Freeze, thaw, freeze, thaw, snow, snain, rainrainrainarain, snow, freeze, ice rainrainrain rain, shitty skiing, cranky Juneau.
I’m not trying to point fingers or pass the blame here, but humans have KIND of been fucking me up with unfettered carbon emissions, deregulation, and a general level of short-sighted selfish assholery that will give .001% of the world a fleet of personal yachts and make the rest of us (myself included) deader than Louis C.K.’s career post-masturbation scandal.
For now though, I’m here to tell you that it’s payback time, and payback is the only bitch badder than me. Well, me and Nicki Minaj. Bad bitches like us is hard to come by. And I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve been a little hard to come by in recent years.
WELL NOT THIS YEAR, mothafuckhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaz!!!!!
Have you seen me today?! Have. You. Seen. ME?!
I deadass dropped seven inches of snow in four hours with no signs of stopping. The wind on Douglas will rip your goddamned face off your head. You motherfuckers are going 10 miles an hour in the right lane, or driving like there’s a house on fire in your Nissan Leaf/redneck pickup truck and ending up in the ditch.
Why? because I DID NOT COME TO PLAY. And also because you are all terrible drivers for some reason.
Put on your Yaktraks, because y’all out here trippin in these streets, falling face down on ice. Ice that I put there, BECAUSE I AM WINTER IN ALASKA, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!! This ain’t no Hawaiian vacation!
Bust out your snowplows, your rock salt, your snow tires, your snow blowers, your skis, snow machines, ice skates, whatever it is you need to do, do it because every other season is CANCELED and I am UP IN THIS SHIT NOW.
Oh wut. You thought I wasn’t coming for you this year? COOL STORY, BRO!